Dysphoria Update

alice_feeling_curious_whenI am tall, 188cm/6″2, I was cursed with more height than anyone in my family, by a head. My mother and sister are “average” and my father was average four decades ago.

I’ve been sick travelling since I started to transition four months ago; the gym hasn’t been a priority. At first, I was still going to the gym, I was trying to run, fast. I was afraid of not losing muscle, so I stopped; having a sinus infection for a month didn’t help.

I have a lot of muscle left over from man-time. So after shedding some and gaining a lot of fat, I figured I should get back into the gym.

I figured I’d try some yoga and light running. I’m not sure why, but yoga has been making me super dysphoric. Something about feeling my muscles flex and stretch. I hate it. It makes me feel my size. It’s hard living in a country where all the men are smaller than me and the women are the size I was when I was six. I want to squeeze my rib cage until it contracts and shatters. 

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