Tomorrow I am headed back to the doctor who prescribes me hormones. The first time was such a trip. I am anticipate writing about it, or maybe it will seem normal now. However, it seems appropriate to reflect on how far I’ve come since October 6th.
I’ve been injecting 10mg of estradiol every other week and taking 50mg of cyproterone acetate every day since October. The psychical changes preceded the psychological–well, sort of. I immediately felt calmer and at ease, as if a great tension had relaxed in my body. That first shot of oestrogen in my ass was a major surprise and the proceeding 12 hours were the calmest I ever felt. My breasts and skin have changed, and recently my butt has spread horizontally. My skin is softer and my jawline too. Sex, well, it is totally different and often doesn’t involve using the same equipment. My breasts are like erogenous buttons–when they don’t hurt. My areolas are bigger, darker, and hopefully still growing.
Sometime in November, I started to easily access my emotions, and though I sometimes cry, I am more often overcome with muscle spasm inducing laughter, usually over really stupid shit: wet towel. I’ve shed muscle and had three sessions of laser. I have another one on Friday, turn 32 on Wednesday, and see the gynaecologist to go over blood work on Monday. Did I mention I got into a masters programme?
I have had some lows too. I am over work, I can’t handle male mode. I’ve been out in Seoul more, and this can be scary. I hate myself after laser and working out makes me feel huge. A picture the other day wrecked the next six hours of my life. Joy is offset with extreme vulnerability. But I found–or rather they found me–a group of trans writers, readers, and aspiring gender critics. I also went to Italy where I was out most of the time and that went well. And then there is the future. I am desperately afraid of that, but I think that comes from a good place; I care about what happens to me for the first time in life.
So, at the dawn of another year, I feel anticipation for the first time. And I think that scares me the most. I want everything to work and I am afraid of failure. When I look at the broken state I was in last year, at the end of a six-year relationship, brain damaged and shaking from benzo overuse, I feel a strong contrast. I am also closing a chapter of my life. And as exciting as the next chapter may seem, I would be remiss to hastily forget about the last. Six or seven years ago I turned away from the brink of admitting I was trans and decided to travel the world. In that time I adopted three dogs, fell in and out of love, travelled to thirty countries, and did some really cool shit. So, here is to 32!
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself” (Nietzsche). I can’t believe I just wrote an inspirational quote…it’s cool if it’s from Nietzsche, right?